My Life's Roller Coaster

Lately I've been through a lot in my life. I've been through friend drama, boy drama, and then there was just that happy reassurance from God that everything was going exactly according to plan and that I'd be fine, this was a test that I could and, as I decided determinedly, would survive. Two of my very best friends are Zach O'Neill and Brenten Fillmore, but lately they've been very tense. This kills me seeing my two best friends not getting along. Of course I understand the usual disagreement between friends, but lately they've just been not getting along well at all and while I understand both of them are very different, they can hardly be expected to agree on every point! Still it just stinks to see the twosome that used to get along better now in a near constant state of disagreement. Then there's the boy drama I mentioned, while what I just mentioned happened to be two boys I have not yet reached the extent of what I'd like to express. Boys have shown an interest in me lately, which is something I hadn't really expected. You know, I'd somehow always assumed I'd be somewhat of the older brother figure, watching out for my wonderfully beautiful younger siblings and keeping those boys in line. And I still do. Of course I expected that someday I'd meet someone, but I never expected to have interest like this, and certainly not from more than one guy. But at this point in my life I really am not ready for that! I am really close to some of my friends and I love them even, a lot. But I just know I'm not ready for that kind of thing, that kind of interest, and certainly not expressing it in return. So I've told them. I've let them know what I must, that I am not ready for that, that I'm only interested in the wonderful friendships we've built and are still building, and continuing in the project of building up. I've been honest, and I haven't tried to maneuver around anything, I do think I've handled it in the most correct way there is possible for me, although I think there's no way that's really THE right way. What I really hope is that I haven't hurt anyone It was never my intent to hurt anyone, only to give them what they deserve as the faithful and amazing friends they've been to me for years. The truth. Truly it tears me to even think I might've hurt any one of my friends, but I have to be true to who I am, and to do that I must be honest. My friends really are unusually supportive and wonderful. Not in a million years would I trade them, and not for a second would I even consider it. Each of them is incredibly important to me and an essential in the making of who I am now. I really love to spend time with them doing anything at all. We just get together for hours at a time with no particular plans in mind and end up having a blast. There's sensible, genius Zach, hilarious, unpredictable Brenten, enthusiastic, reasonable Derek, talkative, fun loving Madison, crazy, photographer Emily. There's friendly, easy to talk to Andrew, imaginative, quiet Taylor and many more. We all have crazy nicknames and when together hardly make any sense at all. But do we really have to? If you watch, the point is clear - happiness. We are happy together and if you can gain that you hardly need an excuse for any ethical means you use to attain it. This inexplicable feeling that we're filled with and can't be bought. I treasure it most highly of anything else, which is why I treasure and regard my friends so highly. They are loyal and a great light in my life. Which is why in return I want to be loyal, honest, and a joy to them as much as I can. And this, I suspect, is why our little tightly knit group had to be hit by some drama - we are simply too happy. It's just God reminding us "Hey! You're still on Earth. It's not your home, and you're not supposed to be completely blissful. That's Heaven. You're not there yet. Keep trying, here's a test!" But this cannot dampen my faith in our friendships, the strength we have between us. So maybe I had to tell some guys I wasn't ready for anything but friendship and wanted to just relax and enjoy life how it is right now. So maybe I hurt them, which I surely didn't want to. It's all part of the plan, and I have to just sit back and remember this is God's ride, not mine. I have no control, but I can ride if I want to. I can appreciate the thrill of the roller coaster if I'm willing to deal with the butterflies as it turns the unanticipated loops. I want to hold on for all I'm worth and cling to the great and wonderful people who are willing to sit there next to me and endure it too. Everyone who's going to sit there loyally, throwing their arms in the air and screaming with me, who'll help me through, who can wait and appreciate that I'm not ready to sit in the front row cart yet, who can just be there, I would love to return the favor and to be my best Halie. To wait on them, to appreciate them, to counsel them as best I can and to be totally honest and loyal pulling them through with me to the end where we meet the operator of the wonderful ride. I'm not ready to move up to the next cart yet. I just want to enjoy the one I'm in and thank God for every second he allows me to continue riding.